“That’ll Teach Them a Lesson!” (really?)
Toxicity alert. Whenever I hear that I cringe a little. How many times has the silent treatment (or any negative behavior towards someone) ever taught anyone a lesson, least of all the lesson intended?
I’ve never used it because, in my experience, I never saw that it worked. Yet, people still do this all the time…
Why do we think that a negative behavior will magically have people behaving the way we want them to? What’s the lesson? And why does someone feel the need to teach it?
I guess the theory goes that my lesson (my agenda) needs to be taught so the world will comply with my wishes and then I can have a measure of happiness. Right now I feel bad so you have to feel bad so we can all feel bad together and somehow the world is made right?
How much of this stems from a sense of revenge? You did something I didn’t like and so now I’ve got to get you back. I think somewhere along the line many of us are conditioned to gain some sense of satisfaction that we can restore a unhappy balance to the universe. We seem blind that this “fairness” comes at an miserable price for all involved.
Here’s Regular Joe (RJ) and Small Adjustment (SA) discussing the concept:
|
RJ:
|
“That’ll show ‘em.” |
|
SA:
|
“Really?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Yeah, they’ll think about that next time?” |
|
SA:
|
“Do you really think so?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Sure.” |
|
SA:
|
“Do you think they see the connection?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Of course.” |
|
SA:
|
“So this has worked well for you in the past?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Well, it get’s their attention.” |
|
SA:
|
“But getting their attention might be different from getting the result you want, right?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Well, kind of. But, how else will they learn?” |
|
SA:
|
“Good question, do you think there might be more effective ways to express what you want without using negative behavior?” |
|
RJ:
|
“Maybe, but this is what I’m used to. This is how I grew up.” |
|
SA:
|
“So that that’s what works best for you?” |
|
RJ:
|
“I guess, I don’t know. Then, what should I do?” |
|
SA:
|
“I don’t know. What do you think?” |
Bottom line: this “feeling the funk / revenge combo” ultimately can’t go anywhere good. If you’re lucky, you have to go through making up. Both of you are left with yet more scar tissue and the worst of it is that you have squandered life’s most precious resource… time.
What “lesson” is this teaching our kids?
small adjustment: If it’s happening inside you, when you feel that urge to retaliate, ask yourself – what do I hope to gain in this situation? Will what I feel like doing right now get me the outcome I want? What else can I try? When you see someone else doing this, recognize it for what it is. Someone is hurting because the world (directly or indirectly) is not conforming to their desires. If it’s appropriate, ask that person these same questions…
Please let me know if you agree?
p.s. If you think Sen. John McCain is trying to teach the Democrats a lesson by refusing to cooperate with them until the end of the year, do you think it will work?
Filed under: impact others, impact self by Christopher
Share Your Thoughts...